Maybe this Time

She rolled her eyes. “Still, that’s really what you want to ask immediately after your sister”—her voice dropped to a whisper loud enough to be heard two counties over—“files for divorce? You’re so sensitive.”

“You’re so sensitive,” he fired back. “No wonder you’re a psych major. You have to feel your feelings about every damn thing.”

She flushed scarlet and jammed her hands down on her hips. “I switched my major to nursing, jackass.”

Ben already had his mouth open to retort, so Karen figured it was time to wade into the fray. Those two had been at loggerheads since junior high, and it showed no sign of stopping even though they were both in their mid-twenties. “Okay, guys. Knock it off or I’m giving you a time out and making you stand with your noses in separate corners.”

Anne snickered from where she knelt on the living room floor amidst a sea of half-empty boxes. Their other best friends, Meg and Julie, ducked their heads in from the bedroom.

Julie said, “I’m so glad I’m an only child.”

Meg elbowed her in the ribs. “Uh…where do you want us to stick the sweaters and winter clothes?”

Not to be denied his parting shot, Ben turned back to Nora. “Besides, what was I supposed to do? Talk about the weather?”

Sighing, Nora shook her head as if his stupidity saddened her. “Sure, that would have worked better. But maybe tell her that her hair looks awesome instead of reminding her about…stuff.”

Stuff being the breakup, the divorce, the end of life as Karen had known it for the last eight years. Stuff being where she went from being Mrs. Tate Patton to Ms. Karen Hudson again. Nope, she absolutely did not want to talk about that. So she fluffed the textured layers of her recently shortened crop. Her once shoulder-length blonde hair now ended just below her chin, and instead of straightening it to perfection as she’d been doing for years, the mussed style took advantage of her natural wave. Maybe the hair reflected the new Karen, because she was tired of pretending to be perfect—that her life was perfect, that cool, calm perfection was even something she wanted. A little muss was just fine with her.

“It really does look nice, sis. Totally different.” He winked. “I’m guessing that’s what you wanted.”

“Yep.” To prevent further outbursts between Nora and her brother, she gave him a smile. “Why don’t you go down to the moving truck and see if Finn and Lukas need a hand with the heavy lifting? Leave the unpacking to us.”

Finn and Lukas were Meg’s and Julie’s boyfriends, both of whom had been roped into helping and hadn’t complained once about the slave labor. It made this day both easier and harder that everyone was being so nice and tiptoeing around Karen’s feelings. She was just happy her parents were out of town on an extended vacation—them being here adding their quiet sympathy and support to everyone else’s would have made it that much worse.

“I’m happy to assist in the estrogen-free zone.” Ben was out the door in seconds, though he cast a baleful glance back at Nora before he disappeared.

Nora snorted. “Estrogen-free zone, my ass. No wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He’s probably still a virgin because he can’t be nice long enough to get laid.”

“Whoa!” Karen slapped her hands over her ears. “I do not want to speculate about my brother’s sex life.”

“Or lack thereof,” added Anne. She gave her sister a pointed look. “Now who’s being insensitive?”

“Heh. Me.” Nora’s grin was abashed. “Sorry, Karen.”

Karen was thankfully spared further discussion when Anne’s other sisters, Hazel and Cami, tromped in with Chinese food for lunch. Not that things were likely to settle down upon their arrival. The sisters together in the same room was often like fire, gasoline and a dry forest just waiting to explode into flames. Anne played referee with that trio so often she could go pro.

“Put the bags on the table, girls.” Karen cleared a spot wide enough for the multitude of white cartons. “And go call the guys.”

Her brother would have to come back to the estrogen minefield, but he’d need to brave it if he wanted to get fed.

Meg fetched paper plates and Anne rooted around in the boxes until she came up with a set of mismatched silverware. It wasn’t the sleek, expensive set Karen and Tate had gotten as a wedding present, but Karen was just as happy not to have the reminder of all her dreams turning to dust.

She tried to paste on a smile for everyone, but it got harder as the day progressed. All her belongings were unpacked and put away. Her new life was in order. She even had a job lined up as director of the Half Moon Bay Public Library. A step up from assistant director at the main library in Palo Alto. She started in two weeks. Everything was going smoothly, so she shouldn’t have any complaints.

But how could she feel happy about the dissolution of the life she’d wanted so badly? She’d had something so amazing and wonderful in her grasp, but it had soured and she’d had to let it go or turn sour herself. That didn’t mean she was happier for the loss.

If only Tate had—

No, she wasn’t letting that awful merry-go-round spin in her head again. They’d been in sync when they’d married, but had grown apart, had wanted different things. She’d wanted a family and had let him put it off until he finished law school, until he’d established his career, until he’d made partner, but eventually she’d realized that he just didn’t want what she wanted, no matter what he might claim. He wanted to be married to his job, and she couldn’t compete with his corporate mistress. So, she’d gotten out before she went from anger to hate. She didn’t want to hate anyone, but she needed to be loved and wanted and fulfilled and Tate didn’t have the time to give her that.

Maybe someday she’d find a man on the same wavelength she was, but she didn’t have to wait around for him to start a family. She was thirty-three, and while that wasn’t old, her chances of conceiving would begin to drop after thirty-five. Only two years away. If she waited and then couldn’t have children, she’d regret it forever. Yes, she’d always imagined having Tate’s children, but that wasn’t going to happen and she had to move on. No more sitting around hoping her life would turn out the way she wanted. Time to make it happen. So, she had an appointment next month with a sperm bank. It had taken a lot of courage to make that appointment, another break from the life she thought she’d have. Her friends had already volunteered to go with her and help figure out which sperm donor to pick.

She really did have awesome friends.

After dinner, she sent the younger siblings back to their respective college campuses. Finn had gone off to return the rental truck and Lukas had followed in his car to bring the other man back. Which left Karen alone with her best friends.

Anne angled a glance at her. “Want us to do a sleepover for this first night?”

“We’re totally willing,” Julie quickly added. She pointed to Meg. “We already cleared it with the guys. Say the word, and Lukas will just drop Finn off at home instead of bringing him here.”

Karen arched her eyebrows. “You don’t have clothes with you.”

“That wouldn’t stop us.” Meg shrugged, enough empathy in her gaze to make Karen’s throat clog.

Moisture burned the backs of her eyes, and she had to blink fast to keep the tears from falling. No more crying. She’d done enough of that since she’d told her husband it was over. Sucking in a deep breath, she shook her head. “No, I think I need to rip the Band-Aid off and just do it.”

It had been a decade since she’d slept alone in a house, except the handful of times Tate or she had gone out of town for work. She needed to get this over with, start to make this her routine. And it wasn’t as if she’d be alone forever. If she were lucky, by this time next year, she’d have her hands full with a baby. Hard to feel alone when your roommate doesn’t let you sleep through the night.

Julie shrugged. “I had a feeling you’d say that.”

“Okay, but we’re only a few minutes away if you need us for anything,” Meg said.

“Seriously, Karen,” Anne insisted. “Anything. A cup of sugar, company…borrowing from my extensive porn collection.”

A round of groans spilled from the group.

“I’m just kidding! How would I have hidden a collection like that from the girls? They got into everything growing up.” Anne ruffled a hand over her short red hair. “Besides, remember I live with the drama mama. You think I want her coming along to knock while I have that stuff playing?” She shuddered. “No thank you.”

“She has a point.” Karen had camped out on Anne’s couch for the first few weeks after the break up, and she had gained a new appreciation for her friend’s restraint in not killing her mother all these years. Karen was usually pretty even-tempered, but the drama llama mama could drive anyone to homicide.

Julie’s nose wrinkled. “I don’t even want to think about anyone but Lukas walking in on my lady time. I’m just saying. Gross.”

“Finn likes watching my lady time.” Meg flashed a wicked grin, even as a blush rushed up her cheeks.

A very juvenile round of hooting erupted from everyone, and Karen wanted to hug them. She wouldn’t have gotten through this without them, certainly not without having a major mental breakdown. They made her laugh when all she’d wanted to do was cry. They’d helped her keep perspective.

“I love you guys.” She looped her arms around Julie’s and Anne’s waists. Meg crowded in for a tangled group embrace. They held tight for a long time, and the support felt damn good—a bulwark of strength she could always depend on, that would see her through everything. Even divorce. “You guys really are the best, you know that, right?”

“’Course we know,” Anne said gruffly, then ruined the tough act by giving a little sniffle. She pulled back and scrubbed a hand over her eyes.

Meg and Julie looked a bit teary too.

“Love you too.” Meg went to grab a tissue. “We don’t say it that often, but still. It’s good to have you, even when you’re being nosy and bossy.”

“We’re only nosy ’cause we care.” Julie gave a lopsided grin, her eyes welling. “And I wouldn’t have survived losing my Auntie Eloise without you girls. Thanks.”

“Okay, let’s pull it together or we’ll scare the guys when they come back.” Karen took a tissue Meg proffered and dabbed at her eyes. She pulled in a breath. “Let’s meet for breakfast at the Moonside Café. I’ll be okay on my own tonight.”

“If you change your mind, the sleepover offer stands for tomorrow night or the night after.” Anne waggled her eyebrows. “The porn offer already expired though.”

“I think I’ll survive the disappointment.” Karen patted the redhead’s shoulder.

A knock sounded on the door, then Finn poked his head in. His gaze lit on Meg and a smile spread across his lips. “Ready to go, honey?”

“Yeah.”

He glanced at Julie. “Lukas couldn’t find a parking space, so he’s stuck in a red zone. He’s waiting for you…if you’re not having a girls’ night.” His eyebrows rose as he turned to Karen.

“Nope, they’re all yours.” Karen gave a magnanimous wave. “Thanks for all your help today.”

He shrugged easily. “Any time. Happy to lend a hand.”

An hour after they’d gone, Karen was still wandering around her apartment listlessly. She’d straightened pillows that didn’t need it, checked cupboards that were neat and organized. Loneliness swamped her, which was ridiculous because if she were still living in their very expensive house in Palo Alto, Tate wouldn’t even have been home from his law firm yet. His father would have insisted they stay longer, and Tate would have thrown himself into whatever case they were working on, and it would have been midnight before he crawled into bed beside his wife. She’d be lonely if she were there too. In the end, she thought that might have been what had done her in. Being in a marriage by yourself was a kind of hellish helplessness she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy.

Even this apartment’s echoing aloneness was better. A sad, but true statement on her life.

For a moment, she considered calling Anne and asking her to come over. Unlike their other two friends, Anne was single and wouldn’t have scheduled a date for tonight. Karen picked up her cell phone, her finger hovering over the speed dial that would connect her to the other woman.

No.

She stiffened her spine. This was the path she’d chosen and she needed to live with it. Alone. If that meant she’d spend the next two weeks crawling the walls between now and the start of her new job, then so be it. The antsy restlessness was annoying, but it would get better. It had to. Gritting her teeth, she moved to set the phone down when it blared out a ring.

Her heart leapt and her fingers clenched on the plastic so hard it squeaked. She pressed a hand to her chest and checked the screen to see who was calling. Brows arching in surprise, she smiled and accepted the call. “Valentina De Rossi, as I live and breathe.”

“Karen, darling!” The other woman’s musical Italian accent made Karen’s name sound more exotic than it was. “I have the most wonderful news.”

“Oh? Tell me.” Karen smiled at Valentina’s effusion. They’d met during Karen’s junior year of college when she’d studied abroad in Rome, and had managed to become friends despite their wildly disparate personalities. Her smile faded. Unfortunately, that was also the year she’d met Tate, who’d been in Italy on foreign exchange too. Those lovely Roman memories she’d cherished had suddenly become a bit tarnished.

“Welllll,” Valentina said, drawing the word out. “You know I’ve kept my Giovanni in suspense for quite some time.”

“Only over a decade, but who’s counting?”

In fact, Tate and Karen had been the ones to introduce Valentina to Giovanni. Another reminder she didn’t want, but she shoved that away. It wasn’t Gio or Valentina’s fault that Karen was getting a divorce.

A tinkling laugh came through the phone. “I finally said yes! We’re getting married next week.”

“Next week?” Karen echoed.

“I know, it is rash and unplanned and exciting. Just as I like things. I was always so petrified of the huge wedding and all the planning and details that must be just so. And my mother and aunts and cousins…darling, you know how passionate the Italians are.” She sighed dramatically. “There would be fighting. I didn’t want the headache. But, my Gio, he knows me. He said I wouldn’t be happy eloping because my family wouldn’t be there, even though they drive me crazy. So he said our engagement will be very short—not enough time for huge planning or fighting. Just throw the kind of party I love with an even more beautiful and expensive dress.”

Curling into the recliner in her living room, Karen grinned. “It was him offering you carte blanche on the expensive dress that convinced you, wasn’t it?”

Valentina laughed. “It’s entirely possible.”

“He knows you so well,” Karen murmured. She’d always liked Gio. He was every bit as passionate as Valentina, though with slightly less drama. Valentina was two handfuls, but he was stubborn enough to have hung on. Once he’d decided she was the one he wanted, that was the end of the discussion.

Karen hated to make comparisons between Gio and Tate on that score, but it was hard. Especially when she listened to her friend gush while she was sitting alone in an apartment because Tate had wanted everything else more than he’d wanted to keep her. For Gio, Valentina had always been the priority.

Karen shoved away the petty jealousy that wanted to consume her. No. What kind of friend would she be if she couldn’t get past her own issues to be thrilled for two people who had always been genuinely kind to her? Gio and Valentina had come to visit several times over the years. Gio’s investment firm had a branch in San Francisco, and he’d been sent on business trips which the couple had turned into vacations.

Valentina hesitated. “I know…things haven’t been going so well for you lately.” A graceful side step from mentioning the divorce. “But I had to share my happiness with someone who was there at the very beginning.”

“I am happy for you. Both of you.” And she was. Her own situation had nothing to do with theirs. “This is such good news.”

Another small pause, and then Valentina’s normal exuberance burst out. “Can you come? You must come. Please say you’ll come.”

Karen looked around her apartment, imagining how two weeks of sitting here by herself would feel. Like the walls were closing in on her. It wasn’t as if she couldn’t afford the trip. She hadn’t spent a dime of her librarian salary in eight years, and even modest earnings added up after that much time. They’d lived off of Tate’s income except the chunk of his trust fund they’d used to buy their house.

Besides, when was the last time she’d gone anywhere? Tate had always been too busy to go on vacation and she hadn’t felt like going without him. So, she had two weeks off and a damn good reason to get out of town. She took a breath. “I’ll come.”

“Really?” The delight and disbelief that came through the line made Karen grin. She heard Valentina clap her hands. “Magnifico! Let me know when you’ll arrive and I’ll have Giovanni pick you up from the airport.”

“I will. Thanks for thinking of me, Valentina.”

“Of course, of course!”

Once they were off the phone, Karen punched the speed dial to connect to Anne.

She picked up on the first ring. “Need me to come over?”

“No, and I don’t want your porn collection either.” Karen propped her feet on the ottoman in front of her chair. “What I need is a ride to SFO.”